Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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