see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
