Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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