im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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