I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
