I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I did not marry a roomba.
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