I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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