My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
