My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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