i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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