I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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