Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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