You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
