god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
