I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish you could order shots online.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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