I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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