Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
