God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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