maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
