I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
