My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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