Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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