Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
