I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
