dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
