ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
