I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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