he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's never too late to be topless.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
