I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
