so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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