if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh†while his GF was with him. FML
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