i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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