I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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