And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
