Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Green mimosas i think yes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
