I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
