you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
