Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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