Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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