what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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