just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
