Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
