I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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