he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I forget how to act sober
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
