just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I deserve this hangover.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
