I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
