Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize