Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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