I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have fence marks all over my body
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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