Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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