Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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