last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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