One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
