eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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