Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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