You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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