so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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