Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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